Time travel guidelines

If you have recently acquired a time machine, then please, read through these guidelines carefully before using it.

The Timeline

If you're going to travel through time, the first thing you should try to find out is the shape of the timeline. This is very important to know as a time traveler, as it will affect how causality works and what happens if you try to change the past.There are three possibilities, the Linear timeline,the Changeable timeline, and the Branching timeline, which I will each explain and what the results of attempting to make a grandfather paradox (killing your grandfather before your father was born, thus preventing you from ever being born to kill him) would be.

In a Linear timeline, past, present, and future are all one line, and when you go back in the past, you will have already gone back there, and since whatever you will do in the past will have already happened, you can never change it. If you attempted to kill your own grandfather in a linear time, you would fail, as you have evidently been born, so your grandfather apparently survived your assassination attempt. Or the man you thought was your grandfather was not actually your real grandfather. Either way, whatever happens was part of the timeline all along, and therefore you can't create a paradox.

In a Changeable timeline, you can actually change the past by going back in time. As a result, whatever you do in the past will have an effect on your present self. This is the only timeline where you can actually cause the grandfather paradox, as killing your grandfather would actually have an effect on you. While this timeline may seem the most intuitive, the fact that paradoxes could be created here seems to indicate it is also the least likely.

In a Branching timeline, the universe splits into two universes whenever someting happens, and one of the possible outcomes becomes a reality in each of the universes. Thus, when you go back in time you will arrive in a new branch of the timeline. If you tried the grandfather paradox here, your grandfather would die in the new timeline, but you would be fine since the grandfather from your own timeline was alive and well. Paradoxes would be impossible in this one too.

If you built a time machine, presumably you discovered the shape of the timeline during this. If you didn't, try this: leave your house for about an hour. When you come back, look into an empty drawer and make sure it is actually empty. Then, go 30 minutes in the past and put a sock in the drawer. Go back to the future (about an hour would suffice so you don't run into yourself), and check the drawer. If the sock isn't there, you're probably in a Linear timeline. You just have to worry about the fact that apperantly someone broke into your house and took the sock while you were away. If the sock is there, you are probably in a Changeable or Branching timeline. Repeat this experiment a few times to be sure. If you keep finding you actually made small changes to the past, you're now certain you are not in a Linear timeline. Finding out whether you are in a Changeable or Branching timeline will be a bit trickier, but there is a way that you can use for it.

Go back in time 3000 years. Depart to the present immediately, to make sure you don't actually change anything. If you're in a Changeable timeline, your effect on the timeline should be negligible, and history will have played out just as you remembered it. However, if you're in a Branching timeline, your arrival in 989 BCE will have created a new alternate timeline where you have arrived in. At every small little happening in history, even the smallest, this universe split again, and you end up in the year 2011 CE in a random one of these universes. Thus, when you get out of your time machine in your new timeline's present, history will probably have happened vastly differently. By the way, this is probably a good moment to mention the fact that it will be impossible to return to our original timeline, though with many careful time trips you may manage to end up in a very similar one.

So now that you know the shape of the timeline, this tells you how careful you'll want to be in the past. If you're in a Linear timeline, you don't have to worry about changing the future, and only have to watch out for your own neck. If you're in a Changeable timeline, be very careful, as a single mistake can vastly change the whole world history, and you may find your own present gone if you are not very careful. Thanks to the butterfly effect, even a really small change could culminate into massive differences over a long period of time. If you are in a Branching timeline, changing the past means going back to a present similar to your own present will be difficult, but by traveling back even farther you can return to a present similar to the one you knew. 

Some things to watch out for

When you arrive, if your time machine does not have some way to tell you the date, try to find out the year. Don't go asking random strangers what year it is, though, as that question is considered weird. If newspapers are printed in this time, just look at the date on them. Or go into a store and ask to buy a calendar. If you're in the past, some careful references to historical events in casual conversation can help you pinpoint the date (And if an event turns out not to have happened yet and you're asked about it, just say it was just something minor in your home country).

Try to blend in as well as possible. When you're time traveling, try to wear something that will look not completely bizarre in most eras. When you arrive, try to switch it for era appropriate clothing as soon as possible. Looking at how most people around you dress can provide you with a good guideline.

Don't tell people you're a time traveler. If you're lucky, they'll think your nuts and ignore you. If you're only slightly lucky, they'll think you're nuts and lock you up. If you're unlucky, they'll believe you, kill you, and steal your time machine.

Don't act smug about your era when you're in another era. First of all, talking about your era strongly borders on telling them you're a time traveler. Also remember that you're a guest in their era. Acting condescendingly about their era is considered rude. If you're in the past, remember that change is gradual, and that to reach the situation of the world in your home era, it had to pass through other eras, and that your own home era may be viewed just as condescendingly in the future. If you're in the future, remember that they went through the present and went on from that. Presumably they have good reasons for changes made since your own home era.

Whether you're in the past, alternate present, or future, always wash your hands with ethanol or another bacteria killing substance. A squirtbottle of ethanol can be found in most labs and classrooms, and they presumably buy them from somewhere, so find out where and buy some to take on your journey. The past had many potent diseases that your lazy 21st century immune system will not be prepared for. In the future new diseases will have evolved that you will not have had yet, so you can easily be infected by them. There's also the danger of spreading your own germs around and causing diseases.

Interactions with Yourself

When you travel through time, meeting yourself should generally be avoided, especially in a Changeable timeline (Who knows how the timeline will change when your past self meets your present self). If you're in a Linear timeline and you can't remember ever having met yourself, then don't try it as you will not succeed and may in fact be run over or something before you reach your past self. Even in a Branching timeline it should be avoided, as meeting yourself is a great way to get into trouble. Meeting your future self can be considered somewhat safer, as both parties will be aware of the situation (you're in it and your future self remembers it unless your in a Branching timeline), and your future self will probably remember the encounter and thus be able to prepare for it, but I still discourage it.

To avoid meeting yourself, try keeping a log of where you were at any given time. This can also come in handy for many other reasons. Just make sure it doesn't fall into the wrong hands (Wouldn't want to make it too easy for Terminators targetting you).

If you HAVE to interact with yourself and can't hide your identity, there are some basic rules:

1: NEVER kill yourself. This one should go without saying, but aparrently it doesn't. Killing yourself is never a good idea, especially not in a Changeable timeline, where you will in fact cause a paradox. 

2: Avoid confusion between you. If you have a middle name, now is finally the time to use it. One of you (If it's the home era of either of you, that should be the guest) uses his/her middle name as a first name. Alternatively, you can try nicknames, numbers, or letters. If your in the home era of either of you, that person always gets first pick. If you both traveled to a year that's not your home era, just work it out like adults.

3: Talking about avoiding confusion: have some sort of password to your own mind, which you can use to prove you are really the same person. Never tell this password to anyone, and never write it down, and if someone knows your password, assume they are either yourself or someone deeply trusted by yourself. This one will be more effective if you think of that password even before you even consider time traveling. Seriously, choose a mind password right now. Your future self may thank you for it.

4: If you're in a Changeable timeline, watch out for paradoxes. During interaction with yourself, these are very easy to cause. In a Branching timeline, try not to get your other self killed and/or in big trouble and/or with a completely ruined life/world. While paradoxes may not occur, that person is still you and you don't want that kind of stuff to happen to you, do you? In a Linear timeline, be careful not to do anything you can't remember while interacting with your past self. If you tried it, evidently you were stopped by something, and that something may actually be very dangerous to you.

Three is a crowd

Don't visit the same moment more than twice. While avoiding one other you is quite doable, avoiding two or more other yous will quickly cause a mess. There's also the problem that the chance increases that people who know you see you at the same time in different locations when there's more you's running around. Watch Primer. They went back in time across the same 4 days multiple times, and made a real mess. That's the kind of thing you want to avoid.

Danger

Speaking of Primer: time travel can be hideously complicated. Try watching Primer and understanding it the first time through. That's the kind of complicated you'll be dealing with. Time travel is an inherently complex activity, and should not be attempted unless your mind can keep track of it all.

Time travel is also an inherently dangerous activity. Even discounting the possibility of flaws in your time machine, danger lurks everywhere. The past was quite often a dangerous time, full of violence and diseases. In the present, you have to always be watchful of running into yourself (or, if that is part of your plan, to prevent trouble if you do, see the section 'Interactions with yourself' for that). If you go into the future, you never know what you might find, and if you're really unlucky you could end up appearing straight in the middle of a nuclear detonation. In a Changeable timeline, even a slight change in the past could forever change the present, and quite possibly not for the better. Any change in the past in a Changeable or Branching timeline could make it very difficult to return to the version of the present you call home. Your time machine could get destroyed or stolen in a different era and you;d be stuck there forever.

P.S.: I just thought of another handy tip: If you don't need to get to a specific date, but just a year, try going at Carnival or a similar holiday featuring people dressing up and lots of alcohol. Even if you completely dick up your attempts to blendin with the time, you won't stand out.

2011

2011 just started, so happy new year and all that. I kind of liked 2010 on a personal level, though it was pretty sucky on a global level. We had the Haïti earthquake, the eruption of that volcano on Iceland with the completely unpronounceable name and the ensuing mayhem, everyone going nuts about the football world cup (How can people find 22 millionaires running after a little ball so interesting?), Leslie Nielsen died, the Republicans won the American House of Representatives elections (I have no love for the Democrats, but at least they're better than the Republicans), the new Dutch cabinet is even more right-wing than the previous one, and the American plans for new manned missions to the Moon have been canceled (The one good thing Bush ever did).
Still, I had a lot of fun in 2010. I started playing Dungeons & Dragons, rediscovered the Pokémon games, read a lot of good books, went on vacation to Switzerland and saw mountains, and some more fun things. I just hope 2011 will be better.

The Second Great Monkey Island Race of 2010

December is always host to a number of traditions. Since last year, however, a new one has been added to December's traditions: The Second Great Monkey Island Race (The First one is in the summer). It all started last year when some cool people on TellTale Games' forums decided to celebrate the release of Tales of Monkey Island chapter 5: Rise of the Pirate God by playing a marathon of all 5 Monkey Island games, streaming it on livestream, and see who would be faster. Loads of people (Myself included) watched it on livestream and had lots of fun in the chatbox, but neither of the participants managed to finish the race, as the ~20 hours of straight gameplay meant gamers fell asleep on their keyboards and internet connections exploded.

However, a second and third race where done over the past year, spread out over multiple days these times, which I participated in too (Finishing exactly in the middle in both races). And now, a fourth race has started. The thread for it is here, and my own livestream, where I will stream each game as I play them (times can be found at the bottom of this post), is found here.

If you like Monkey Island, you should definitely try participating or watching a few streams. The chatbox really makes it a fun experience, and sometimes times can be thrillingly close.

The times on which I will stream are:
The Secret of Monkey Island, Special Edition: 27 December, 19:00 GMT
Monkey Island II: LeChuck's Revenge, Special Edition: 27 December, 23:00 GMT
The Curse of Monkey Island: 28 December, 19:00 GMT
Escape from Monkey Island: 29 December, 19:00 GMT
Tales of Monkey Island: 30 December, 19:00 GMT

A very special day

Today it's 25 December. Of course, this is a very special day, that everyone should celebrate, including Platypus Pancakes: It's "Let's annoy colourblind people day"! Of course, especially for this reason, the entire site has been redesigned so that many colourblind people will not be able to read it. And for all you people who are living in the future, I'll keep that design for this one post. And for all you people who are living in the past... How did you manage to read this post?

I've been missing out on retirement money

Here is an interesting website called URLAI, which analyses the text on a given URL and provides statistics of who the writer most likely is. Of course, I couldn't resist it, so I tested this blog:

"platypuspancakes.blogspot.com is probably written by a male somewhere between 66-100 years old. The writing style is personal and happy most of the time."


I'm actually 19 years old, so that's way off the mark. The actual statistics show that my scores for each age group were pretty close together, though, so they didn't mess it up as bad as it seems from the statement.

Winter solstice

Winter solstice just passed (At 23:38 UTC, to be precise). That means the Earth has just passed the point in its orbit where the North Pole is pointing farthest away from the Sun, and as such it's the longest night on the northern hemisphere (And of course 21 and 22 December are logically this year's shortest days, with the Sun lowest on the sky thanks to that). From now on, the Sun will be getting higher and higher in the sky and the days will get longer and the nights shorter.

Yet, strangely, winter has officially only just started. I think it's kind of weird that the season we generally identify will cold and snow and the sort is actually the season where the Sun is climbing higher. This kind of weird placement of the seasons also means most of March is in the winter, even though the weather frequently can get very warm in March. If I had designed the seasons, I wouldn't have had them go from solstice to equinox or equinox to solstice, but I would have had the solstices and equinoces in the middle of each season: Winter would be from 6 November to 6 February, Spring would be from 6 February to 6 May, Summer from 6 May to 6 August, and Autumn from 6 August to 6 November. Like that, the seasons would follow the weather and the position of the Sun much better than the system we use now.

Anyway, spare a thought for the poor people living on the tropic of capricorn who now have the Sun shine from straight above them. Must be awfully warm, and frankly I greatly prefer the cold and snow we are experiencing over here.

A historic occasion

Welcome, everybody, to a historic occasion, as you will today read several phrases that, according to Google, have never been spoken on the internet before!

"there are actually intelligent people on the internet"

"their curtains were eaten"

"no mr potato heads were harmed in the making"

"set a platypus on fire"

"is there a faith healer in the room"

"jar jar binks rocks your socks off"

"i would die for my twitter account"

"twilight is not awful at all"

"strangled with an old sock"

"lived on a diet of giraffe meat"

"had his eyes poked out with commas"

"noses fighting crime"

"gandhi wielding a chainsaw"

"got eaten by a garden gnome"

"luxembourgers and witches"

It's a bit of a surprise to me that none of these were used before. Several of them would be quite amusing incidents. "gandhi wielding a chansaw" and "luxembourgers and witches" could make for great villains for some story. (The Luxembourgers hate the fact that their country is so small, so they team up with witches to turn every foreigner into the world into a frog) Others, like the ones about Jar Jar Binks and Twilight are of course not surprising at all.

Noble gases

And the results of the first weekly poll are in!

Poll 1: What is your favourite noble gas?

Helium: 1 (33,3%)

Argon: 1 (33,3%)

Ununoctium: 1 (33,3%)

Neon: 0 (0%)

Krypton: 0 (0%)

Xenon: 0 (0%)

Radon: 0 (0%)

Total votes: 3

Well, the clear conclusion from these results is that not enough people read this blog and/or voted in the poll. Hopefully, the new poll, asking what type of undead you'd prefer to become will draw more votes, so that we can finally get a statistically significant answer to these questions that mankind has so long pondered upon.

People at the cinema

Today I went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, part 1. The movie itself was pretty good, though it got a bit too slow at the middle. Certainly a lot better then the previous three movies, which rushed through things way too quickly and skipped too much. I got a bit annoyed by two people there, though:

First, there was a lady who decided to call someone in the middle of the movie. She wasn't just rude enough to leave her phone on, but she actually called someone to tell that person she was at the movie: "Hey, I'm at the movie." "The movie." "No, I can't speak louder, because I'm at the movie!". Of course, people "shh"'d her, and asked her to turn off the phone, so she told them to be quiet, as they were interrupting her call. She was removed by the cinema's personnel about a minute later (She still hadn't manage to tell the person she was calling that she was at the movie), but who starts calling people during a movie? And it wasn't even at the somewhat sluggish part where Harry, Ron, and Hermione camp, but during the part where they infiltrate the ministry.

The second person who annoyed me did so at the end of the movie, when everyone was starting to leave. I heard him saying to someone "Well, that was way too complicated, I couldn't understand a thing, even though I watched that one with the Goblet of Fire a couple years back!" Seriously, what did this guy expect? He went to see the seventh part of a movie franchise without having seen five of the six movies that precede it (and probably having read none of the books), and he's surprised he didn't understand the plot?

A third person made my day by saying something similarly stupid, though: "Wow, what a depressing ending. I though Harry would beat Voldemort or something, but they just give up because Dobby died?" I overheard while walking to the exit. Heh, don't mind the "Part 1" that was printed pretty much everywhere, dude.

One million things that would really ruin my day, part one

nr. 9: Being force-fed a live frog.
nr. 32: A guy in a clown costume following me around.
nr. 2761: The Moon blowing up.
nr. 7765: Someone talking to me about football (either actual football or american football).
nr. 744: Someone switcheroo'ing my pair of shoes for three left shoes.
nr. 7239: Luxembourg building a doomsday weapon.
nr. 5: Christmas ornaments.
nr. 51421: A man with five nostrils.
nr. 50729: Being showered in rabbit droppings.
nr. 667569: EA games buying any other gaming company.
nr. 7050: A dog spitting in my face.
nr. 743687: The Blue Men Group throwing a stone through my window.
nr. 24165: Someone mailing me his vomit.
nr. 39: Getting cremated while still alive.
nr. 20: Having no eyelids.
nr. 723759: Seeing nude pictures of John McCain.
nr. 723760: Actually, even hearing those exist would ruin my day.
nr. 29: Vikings buying the city.
nr. 4102: Morons gluing wigs to random people's heads. (Though if I were not included in the random people, that would be kind of funny)